Supporting Autistic Teens and Young Adults in Navigating Dating and Romance Photo: Peers 2

Fall 2023

By: Elina Veytsman, PhD

As autistic children transition into adolescence and young adulthood, they may become interested in dating and relationships. The core features of autism can influence a person’s understanding of dating, relationships, sexual intimacy, and sexual behaviors (Stokes, Newton, & Kaur, 2007). Challenges with social communication, social awareness, and social cognition (i.e., perspective-taking), can lead to confusion and misinterpretation, particularly when it comes to dating and romance (Sala, Hooley, & Stokes, 2020). In addition, while most teens and young adults learn about dating and receive romantic advice from their peers, autistic individuals may not have a peer group to lean on for this information and may be more likely to obtain their information from external sources such as random websites, television, and movies – sources that typically do not provide a realistic representation of relationships and sexual intimacy (Pecora, Mesibov, & Stokes, 2016). It is therefore important for parents, professionals, and educators to support autistic teens and young adults in navigating these exciting and often challenging times by providing a safe space to talk about sex and dating.

To aid in this discussion, parents and professionals may wish to utilize key concepts from the Program for the Education and Enrichment of Relational Skills (PEERS), an evidence-based social skills program developed in 2004 at the UCLA Center for Autism Treatment and Research (CART) by Dr. Elizabeth Laugeson (Laugeson et al., 2009; 2012). A good place to start is by identifying the characteristics of a healthy romantic relationship, as outlined in the PEERS for Young Adults curriculum (Laugeson, 2017). These include sharing of common interests, kindness, caring, honesty, trust, physical attraction, signs of appreciation, emotional intimacy, and many more. Parents and professionals can support teens and young adults in thinking about examples of each characteristic and discussing which characteristics are most important to them. Additionally, the following concepts are key to developing successful romantic relationships.

  1. You have to be a good friend before you can be a good partner.
    Being a good friend includes knowing how to engage in meaningful conversations, understand others’ perspectives, and resolve conflicts when they arise – all components that are also needed for romantic relationships. Developing social skills and friendship skills is therefore a prerequisite to developing the skills needed for romantic relationships. For example, one of the best ways to show interest in a potential romantic interest is to talk with them and find common interests. This includes asking open-ended and follow-up questions, listening to their responses, using good eye-contact, volume control, and body boundaries, smiling when appropriate, and laughing at their jokes (even if they are not that funny). Conversational skills are taught early on in PEERS as they are the foundation to developing friendships and relationships.

  2. Dating is a choice, and there are good choices and bad choices (both generally and individually) when it comes to dating.
    We don’t get to date everyone, and not everyone gets to date us. To assess whether the person is a good choice, start by asking the following questions: is this someone I actually like? Do they seem interested in me? Do we have common interests? Are they around the same age? Which characteristics of a healthy relationship partner do they have? It is essential to continue to assess whether the person is a good choice throughout the relationship. Assessing whether they are a good choice also involves understanding the type of relationship a person wants (e.g., casual dating, committed relationship, asexual relationship, open relationship), and making sure it aligns with what their partner is looking for. Because dating is a choice, it is important for teens and young adults to learn and practice how to accept rejection and how to turn someone down, skills which are taught and practiced in PEERS. Additionally, it is always important to ask permission for physical contact, as everyone has different boundaries and comfort levels when it comes to touch.

  3. Dating takes practice, and no one dates alone.
    Dating skills do not always come naturally, and we all seek advice from social coaches (e.g., friends, family members) when it comes to navigating dating and relationships. The PEERS curriculum provides guidance on where and how to find potential romantic partners, including strategies for expressing romantic interest (e.g., flirting, giving compliments) and strategies for online dating and staying safe online. PEERS also teaches dating etiquette skills for asking someone out and going on successful dates, as well as skills for maintaining a relationship, including discussing relationship boundaries, handling conflict when dating, and talking about sexuality, sexual intimacy, and safe sex practices. Practicing these skills with a trusted mentor or a social coach and receiving feedback is key. Use the free PEERS app and role-play videos to learn and practice dating skills. Discuss the steps involved in each skill, watch examples of what to do and what not to do, and practice!

UCLA CART Resources

  1. PEERS® App is a free app for iOS and Android devices that includes the steps for the skills outlined above as well as role-play videos for each skill.

  2. PEERS® Role-Play Videos are demonstrations of what to do and what not to do when flirting, asking someone on a date, handling rejection, having a conversation, and more.
    https://www.semel.ucla.edu/peers/resources/role-play-videos

  3. PEERS® Dating Bootcamp is a two-day in-person bootcamp at UCLA for teens and young adults that teaches the dating etiquette skills referenced in this article for finding and maintaining romantic relationships.
    https://www.semel.ucla.edu/peers/course/peers%C2%AE-dating-boot-camp

  4. PEERS® for Dating is a research study for autistic young adults who are interested in learning the skills for finding and maintaining romantic relationships. Study recruitment is ongoing.
    https://www.semel.ucla.edu/peers/peers%C2%AE-dating

  5. PEERS® for Young Adults is a 16-week program with weekly 90-minute sessions focused on teaching skills for making and keeping friends, finding and maintaining romantic relationships, and handling conflict and rejection.
    https://www.semel.ucla.edu/peers/young-adults

  6. The Science of Making Friends is a book for parents, teens, and young adults that outlines the skills needed to make and keep friends, which is a prerequisite for developing and maintaining romantic relationships.


For more information, please contact the UCLA PEERS® Clinic.


References

Laugeson, E. A. (2017). PEERS® for Young Adults: Social Skills Training for Adults with Autism Spectrum Disorder and Other Social Challenges. New York: Routledge.

Laugeson, E. A., Frankel, F., Gantman, A., Dillon, A. R., & Mogil, C. (2012). Evidence-based social skills training for adolescents with autism spectrum disorders: The UCLA PEERS® program. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 42(6), 1025-1036.

Laugeson, E. A., Frankel, F., Mogil, C., & Dillon, A. R. (2009). Parent-assisted social skills training to improve friendships in teens with autism spectrum disorders. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 39(4), 596-606.

Pecora, L. A., Mesibov, G. B., & Stokes, M. A. (2016). Sexuality in high-functioning autism: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 46, 3519-3556.

Sala, G., Hooley, M., & Stokes, M. A. (2020). Romantic intimacy in autism: A qualitative analysis. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 50, 4133-4147.

Stokes, M., Newton, N., & Kaur, A. (2007). Stalking, and social and romantic functioning among adolescents and adults with autism spectrum disorder. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 37, 1969-1986.


About Dr. Elina Veytsman


Dr. Elina Veytsman

Dr. Elina Veytsman is a postdoctoral clinical psychology fellow and incoming Director of Clinical Services at the UCLA PEERS Clinic, where she facilitates social skills, career skills, and dating skills programs for autistic adolescents and young adults and their parents, and trains mental health professionals and educators in the implementation of these programs. In addition, Dr. Veytsman conducts private individualized social skills therapy at the Center for Pediatric Neuropsychology. Dr. Veytsman earned her PhD in School Psychology at UC Riverside, where she studied the experience of young adults with developmental disabilities and their parents during their transition out of high school and into adulthood. She completed her Doctoral Psychology Internship at The Help Group, where she conducted individual therapy, parent training, and diagnostic assessments with youth with neurodevelopmental disorders in a specialized school for autistic youth and an outpatient clinic. Dr. Veytsman began working with the UCLA PEERS Clinic in 2014 as a clinic coordinator and has since conducted the PEERS program in both group and individual formats across clinical and school settings, and has researched the efficacy of the PEERS intervention conducted bilingually in Spanish and English with autistic teens in the Inland Empire. Her research and clinical interests center around supporting neurodiverse youth and their parents in achieving their social, professional, and independence goals during the transition into adulthood.